The things we want and the things we don't
by Pearlislove
Summary: Madame Vastra, Jenny and the subject of children/eggs. In the end, is the choices even theirs to make? And if it is, will they?


Madame Vastra was more nervous than normal.

She tried to hide it, obviously didn't want her wife to notice, but as soon as Jenny caught sight of her she knew.

Slowly stepping further into the room, Jenny observed her wife where she sat in her favourite spot by the fire. She was always cold this time of year, and needed to absorb as much heat as she could to stay functional throughout the winter months. It was, however, not the weather that had her on edge. Whatever it was that bothered Vastra ti could not have with the cold to do, for Jenny knew that where she was sitting she would normally feel perfectly comfortable.

The lizard from the dawn of time was trying to sit still, but every little sound had her twitching and twisting, and Jenny couldn't help but feel concerned that something would be wrong with her wife, for she was not usually this tense.

"Vastra?" She whispered carefully, not wishing to disturb but wanting to ask what was wrong.

"You smell of blood." Vastra countered, twitching once more as head tilted upwards, crest flaring and sniffing the air. The Silurian had an excellent nose, and could sometimes notice that she smelled of blood days before it even started.

"It's my monthly. Sorry darling." Jenny apologised swiftly, knowing how uncomfortable it made Vastra when she smelled of lots of blood, but knowing equally well that she couldn't help it. Feeling quite spent from the day's adventures running after a murderer, she lowered herself into one of the arm chairs. "Are you okay?"

At this, Vastra flinched visibly. Her whole body moved, instinctively bending away from Jenny, before quickly settling back into its earlier position. "Of course, my love. Why wouldn't I be?" She was still not facing Jenny, and she was starting to worry that something was seriously wrong with her wife.

Or, maybe she was just stressed? And a little put off that Jenny hadn't allowed her to eat the murderer today, but had to deliver him to Scotland Yard instead. It had been obvious that she had wanted to.

Vastra sigh. It was hard deduce the thoughts and feelings of someone with minimum facial features who weren't even looking at her. "You just seem a little stressed, that's all. Want me to draw you a bath?"

Again, Vastra flinched, pulling away before sitting back in the same situation again, hoping it would not be noticeable. "No thanks dear. You might need one, though. So much blood." She shuddered, body shaking with disgust and discomfort at the mere smell. Not for the first time, Jenny felt a bit ashamed of her body's natural process and the way it disgusted her wife.

"Sorry." She doesn't want to draw away, not when something was obviously wrong with her wife, but she can't help it. She feels filthy and ashamed. "I can go somewhere else if it bothers you too much." She offers, getting up from the chair. Maybe the reasons he was so tense was all the blood smell. Wouldn't be the first time.

Jenny only meant to be kind, but instead it seemed to send Vastra into a sudden panic as she stood up, twirling around to face Jenny and screaming with sudden ferocity.

"Nasch! Nasch has!" In her hurry to stop Jenny, she isn't speaking English but Silurian, and it comes out sounding like a combination of hissing and a cough. Not before she remember to speak English, can Jenny d'schiffer her message. "Please don't go!"

The sudden panic leave Jenny mortified, but she swallows her fear, nodding. Of course she wouldn't leave, if her lover so badly wanted her to stay. "Wouldn't dream of it." She says kindly, daring to approach her lover, coming close enough that they were almost touching. "Just tell me what's wrong."

Vastra look away, and her scales seems to go a darker green, almost as though she's blushing. "It's embarrassing." She says at last, and Jenny have to bite her lip hard not to laugh. All this trouble, just because she found something slightly embarrassing? And Jenny who had actually been frightened.

"Tell me. You're my wife, you can trust me." She beckons, stepping even closer and letting her hand come out to touch her wife's arm, squeezing it to show that she was there for her.

"It's...the Silurian equivalent to a monthly, I suppose. At least I think that's how you mammals would say it." She says, eyes wandering around the room and looking everywhere but Jenny's face."But it's...it's not monthly. And there is no blood." Again, she shivers at the idea of all the blood. Really, Jenny found it almost comical how squeamish her wife, the predator Lizard Warrior from the dawn of time, was about blood when it was not included in her meal.

"But you lay eggs!" Jenny protested. Monthly for Silurians? Surely it couldn't be!

"My _kind_ lay eggs!" Vastra corrected, snapping, something sad passing over her face as she hesitantly continued. "I can't. They break before I lay them. I...that's what I meant by monthly. Expelling what is left of the eggs." She cradled her abdomen with her hands and looks sadder than Jenny has ever seen her, claw-like hands trying to protect something she was destined to lose.

She had often wondered what happened with the eggs that Vastra should, according to what she had learned about Silurian anatomi, be lying at least once a year, even if they went unfertilized as there was no male Silurian around. She never dared asking, though, because it felt improper and wrong, but now she almost wish she did. It would have been better than doing it this way.

Jenny doesn't know what to do. What do you do when your wife admits to being unable to carry a child - egg - and carries a look on her face that tell you that she's never been more ashamed and saddened by something in her entire life? She doesn't know. She and Vastra had never discussed children, didn't know if there was any way for them to physically have them, but this? It was like crushing a dream before it even had the time to come into existence. It hurt.

"Does it hurt?" She doesn't know why she asks, but she does. Her own monthly could hurt quite some at times, her stomach cramping and torturing her, but she didn't know if it was the same for Silurians.

Vastra look surprised, her head shooting up to look her in the eyes, and she can tell that this was not the response she'd been expecting. "Physically, it...it hurt a little. Our system is made to process whole eggs and lay them, but my eggs are too weak, they break when they are to be laid. It hurt to expel them." Vastra admitted at last, and Jenny nodded sympathetically, extending her arms to hug the lizard, who made a foul face but accepted the hug.

They don't mention the psychological hurt that's sure to be there.

"You know I'm not mad at you for this, right?" Jenny asked, holding her wife tight, arms wrapped around her waist and her head resting on her shoulder. Vastra was rigid at first, but after a moment she recuperated.

"It is a shame. The best genetic traits for a warrior, wasted on one who could never pass them on. I am a shame." Vastra said after a moment of silence, her head coming to rest on top of her lover's as she pulled her even closer to her. Silurians couldn't cry, for they lacked tear canals, but she was sure that if she could she would have. It broke Jenny's heart to hear Vastra so upset, and she wished she knew how to make her feel better.

"You're not a shame. It's not your fault, and you can not feel responsible for what your body won't do." Jenny said, firmly. She didn't want her beloved Vastra to believe that she was a failure for she could not bear children. "Eggs or no eggs, I love you." She kiss her, reaching up on her tiptoes to be able to place a kiss on her crest, the most private part on a Silurians body. She can see the Silurian shaking with pleasure at the lingering touch of her lips again the light green scales in that special spot.

The silurian smiled, if only slightly. "I love you too, dear." Vastra kissed Jenny too, right on the hairline where her crest would have been if she'd been Silurian.

They stood there for a long time hugging and occasionally kissing, trying to comfort each other. Or more exactly, comfort Vastra.

Because they will never have children, and Jenny is okay with that. It is no one's fault and she doesn't want anyone to feel bad about it.

Especially not Vastra.


End file.
